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Monday, December 6, 2010


I want to discuss for a moment the meaning of superheroes.
I discovered today that it IS ok to want one, to need one. Because in all honesty, I want and need one.
There seems to be a misconception in the world today that women must carry not only all of what others put on us with style and grace, but add to that all that we put upon ourselves.
Sometimes I have style (i try more often than not these days, what can I say, I'm finally admitting to my love of designer brands..even though I'll go with others, but at least I'm allowing myself to want the good stuff and admit to it) and sometimes I carry all of this life stuff well, sometimes better than well...but then, more often than not lately, i seem to crack.
Or perhaps there's been one to many cracks in my armor this year (or rather this lifetime really) that i haven't noticed and at this point, I'm just leaking out and I'll valiantly put a towel up and maybe some putty to a crack and think to myself: "what a fine job I did with that! Now I can be worthy and have acceptance and I know that I did good with my own broken self and no one else needs know the difference. Which might work well, if I weren't so terminally open-booked.
But just when I find that the putty is doing a pretty good job on the currently doctored crack i begin to notice one that i wasn't really paying attention to while my energy was otherwise occupied.
And I'm finding that I can't keep up.
So I want a superhero. I want one with enough spackling paste and duct tape to keep me maintained well through the rest of this lifetime...AND be happy to not only have it on hand but apply it without frustration or annoyance.
So I'm a bit broken. Who isn't? I'm a bit more complicated than I think most of the people I've been surrounded by in my life are interested in, but I'm realizing that that really doesn't matter.
There are parts of myself that I truly love and even better than that, there are times when I'm so filled with peace and am so centered with the source of all Light that my love for all living things including myself seems to be at the pinnacle of what I'm capable of.
But it doesn't you remind me of how good I really am? Even if I need the reminder a lot sometimes? Can you remind me that in this life no one is perfect, but I'm loved perfectly in my perfect imperfections?
It CAN be such a challenge to love another in their flaws, but the reality is, we all need love. It's essential.
So, I think having a clan of willing caped-crusaders on our side that we can count on to be there for us in our "less than" times is not only a good idea, but essential.
I'll dust off my cape if you dust off yours.

a little bit of a brain dump

I wish for you, for myself, for the new-to-you person you pass by today an extra smile. An acknowledgment that because we are here on this Earth together, living this life, we are entitled to peace, joy, safety, and a knowledge that we are so completely loved we are NEVER alone no matter what is thrown into our paths to aide us in believing otherwise. I am tired of people hurting one another, of selfishness, of the idea that we are either above or below another person. I have yet to meet another living thing that isn't interested in love. I've heard of people that act that way, but there is no room for that in my world. If you are interested in hurting me for whatever reason, please know I love you and it is not time for me to let you use me as a punching bag for your pain, but I can love you all the same and at some point, I may have room for your host of unkind, unflattering, angry ideas about me. And I have, in all honesty, a terrible habit lately of guarding myself and being so very quick to armor myself against anything I perceive as a personal attack that I fear I'm beginning to douse myself with Mo-repellent. I am entirely too interested in healing to be anything less than honest. Perhaps I will post this, perhaps I will not, either way it will be for me...and for anyone else for whom it might resonate. Because I have this idea that if we collectively pooled our innermost demons and fears at some point we would think that we're not even worthy to give them a voice. Some find me too emotional, too dramatic, too this too that, all of it with negative undertones. I happen to feel I'm a bit of all of the above as well. But at this point, I accept that it's just some of the parts that make up me and I, for better or for worse, am taking this journey with about as much fear and love as anyone else and I have times of total and complete peace, which I wouldn't have if I didn't acknowledge the opposite and, to be honest, I didn't love. I couldn't trade any of it. To some I'm a basket case, to some I'm a pillar of strength. I see myself as both and am trying to fit an acceptance for all of it into my little breath of space. But as for you, and you and are loved. I spend a great deal of my time thinking about the people who have touched my life in one way or another. None of you undeserving of love, whether I feel you've "got" me or not...which hasn't always been the case.
I've had a great deal of alone time with myself and my thoughts the last while and it's always unsettling because my mind doesn't shut off and it's not always a pleasant thing to have too much open space on my hands (and yes, alone time CAN include an incredibly busy, chore and children filled life) and it doesn't always fare in a pleasant manner for those that live with me. But I have to figure myself out somehow. And I am 1000% committed to loving myself and you in total, accepting, blissful charity.