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Monday, October 15, 2012


Hiya again.
It's been almost a year since my last post...and I know, just KNOW that all 14 of you have been thinking: "Gah! Mo! Hurry up! This is worse than Harry Potter anticipation!"

Well...I'm sorry. (<--with so much non-sorriness there's not even room for me to pretend there could be a percentage of truth to that statement).
The REAL truth is...I've been on hold. Everything has been on hold this past year while trauma after trauma kept piling up and, rally I had to wait til I got enough good material to tie things together nicely for you.
You're welcome, rally. (<- I like "rally" better sometimes. But only when I want to be fancy).
It's as though my breath has been waiting for the rest of me to catch up with it. And now? It's almost as though I've rubber-band slammed into myself and I'm still kind of waiting for the wobbling to stop.
BUT...I want to write again.
So, I am.

One of the greatest lessons I've learned thus far is figuring out how to balance myself.
I was sooooOOOOOOOoooooOOOOOOOO*gasp!*OOOOOOoooooOOOOOOOO lopsided to the point of being shmoosed dangerously (and uncomfortably I might add) into the corner of the wall I burrowed into for so long that I still have floral-wallpaper imprinted into my SOUL.
I'm still learning, and thankfully once I started eliminating the toxins from my life...SOMETHING had to fill in those empty gaps...the Law of Opposition stepped in to use it's powers for good (finally).
Poisons turned to healing energies.
Hate, Resentment, Fear...Love, Peace, Courage.
I don't want to eliminate or gloss over anything, but I do have an irritating habit of seeing the best, looking for the best and hoping for the best in not just every situation, but person as well.
I think I just really really super needed a giant dose of being able to do all that Pollyanna-ing with a healthy dose of reality.
Now...I don't take "reality" to be a bad thing, nor do I observe myself to be a naive, Bambi-eyed idiot (don't let my giant eyes fool you, folks).
I used to be told all the time that I need to just live in reality, that I wasn't being realistic.
But...what does that MEAN? I am a firm believer that we create our own realities.
I choose extraordinary (go big or go home suckas...and no, that's not an ironic fat joke. But it would be appreciated if it was).
When I say I needed more balancing reality to my Buttercuppish's because of the fact that i could and did and still DO just naturally see and feel the best in others, I was forgetting to give them AND myself credit for being human.

I believe we are made of Light. Of God. And since mortality is the opposite of Godhood, one can only assume that one of the greatest gifts this Life experience is here to teach us is how to balance the two.
Spirit combined with Flesh: the opportunity to KNOW...

...And now I'm entering into a phase I never thought I would. I am experiencing ideas and feelings and ways of being that seem completely foreign to my "first novel" self if I were to take a good, hard look (which incidentally? Having giant, Bambi eyes just works in my favor in this regard).
But the deliciously odd thing's not foreign in the least.
I am stepping into a world that only really existed in the nethermost reaching corners of my mind and imagination that I've been stifling for a Time that existed before I was born it seems.
And it's decision time.
I cannot be clear on what things will look like anymore, and that's a bit disconcerting.
I'm letting go of forcing things, of getting bloodied fingers from cliff holding things that either aren't me or aren't mine anyway.
I am still very much me, and I'm self aware enough to know that I am nowhere near settled into a confident walking pattern for myself.
(um...can we all just take a moment for Monty Python? And if you don't know of that to which I'm referring, our friendship may be in jeopardy).

I remember when I started needing to do some intensive work to save my life...I had to change it. The word that kept popping into my space was "balance, balance, balance." Having an addictive personality and not knowing that (even if I does a child of 3 know how to pull themselves out of their comfortably addicting Wonderland if it's the only Loving air they know? How does a 3 year old understand addiction ANYWAY?! Nooo Clem! We Love you! You don't need Baby Mum Mums to satisfy the whole in your soul!)
(and yes, I just named my pretend 3 year old Clem. Shut up.)

Anyway, after I began having an alarming rate mind you...all I needed to be happy and get through the day...was something to balance me.
Bad relationship where I felt stuck, unwanted, unloved and unappreciated...the tiniest bit of balance let me breathe through the constant cuttings into my Spirit.

Balance also looked/looks/feels different depending on the circumstances as well. I never know what I need to get in alignment til I ask myself. And I'm to the point now where I'm rather adept at figuring out how to get it. And I know I'm doing the right thing when i can step back, observe my remarkable little life (that is rounded with a sleep...thanks Dad ;))and see that the level of Love has an increase.

I am...messy right now.
Which is fine with me. Some of the best things in life are messy. Case in point? REESE'S PEANUT BUTTER S'SMORES. (<- I just had one for the first time last week wardrobe may be in trouble or I might need to have a stern talk with my metabolism, I'm just sayin).
BUT...I'd rather be messy than completely careful anymore. Messy is what is happening when I just allow things to be as they are right now.
My home is most of the time more messy. My hugs and kissies with my kids are more messy (and scrumdiddlyumptious, thank you very much). My schedule, my closet, my mind, my heart...
...and I am just great with that.
Because it's honest.
And I spent far too much time NOT being honest. I still have a...healthy? protective? dose of being able to compartmentalize my feelings and actions because, despite how silly and paint-splattery I am...I'm also very very careful when it comes to certain things.
So, you know...messy/careful = good balance :).

My ability to be hurt isn't the same anymore though. Things I used to care about for unhealthy reasons are not an authentic part of me.
Sometimes...things I used to do or say with conviction come out on auto-pilot and I realize i have a foreign taste in my being.

What does it all mean? I can't say. And I'm not going to analyze any further than...I'm transitioning. I'm breathing. I'm...relaxing into me.

I may get hurt now...because I allow myself to. Does that make sense?
I used to get hurt because I was spending so much damned time in survival mode...hence the wallpaper smudges on my liver.
But...nobody puts Baby in a corner...especially not Baby (anymore).

Baby Got Balance.

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

An idear...

I am brainwaving a new section to this blog. I want to write from home, and make money from it. And I'm fully convinced I can do just that. It's the getting there that's got my knickers all in a jumble.
I'm thiiiinking about creating a review blog of sorts. A recommendation/review of films that fit into a single mom/divorced woman's world. Such as say...
Films for When Your Ex Is Being An Ass
Films for the Day when 12 diapers were changed, 4 loads of laundry done, and the car stalled.
Films for when New Guy is entering the picture
Films for mommy and the kids
Films for the kids to watch while mommy sneaks off with a book

and the list goes on...
what think you...allll 12 of you lol

Sunday, January 1, 2012

From the End, At the Beginning...

so, I had written a few pages of this off and on the past few days and now just deleted the whole danged thang.
It was a necessary deletion that I don't even miss.
I will tell you I started the previous attempt by recognizing the fact that I haven't posted anything in just over a year...and for those of you that know me (all 11 of you at this point) you'll understand that my attentions have been...understandably elsewhere.

I wish I had kept up with this the past 12 months. It's been the most crucial year in my existence.
I can't promise what I'll write about when. I'm not good at coming up with ideas then writing about them...I'm more of a "sit down and start the fingers and the thoughts a-flyin' and we'll see what comes up" writer.

I've learned more this past year than I have in my entire existence combined about letting go of pain, conditions, the negative mind...
...and with the pouring out of those life-long habits that I've fought with in order to let go of (and made good progress along the way, let's give credit where credit is due) a rushing in of acceptance (of myself and others) healing, joy, peace, centering, and learning to just finally LOVE what is, along with flat out MIRACLES spread Their balm into my suddenly empty, vulnerable spaces.

It all came to a head in the form of finally having to face my greatest fears ALLATONCE.

Perception is a funny thing. Have you noticed how fear distorts EVERYTHING. ESPECIALLY the people that you're supposed to love the most? I think it's pretty clever of Fear, the Great Collector of Loneliness, to stop at nothing to isolate, confuse, twist and eventually (if it's good enough at it's job) eradicate the people in our lives that would ultimately aide in filling us with our greatest Joy.
AND how what we are afraid of really and truly will become our greatest test to overcome in this existence.
I'm not saying if you're deathly afraid of Twinkie the Evil Eyed Circus Clown that you're going to meet your Earthly end via the horror that IS cheap costume make-up and mylar balloons...I'm talking about what the inner workings of our mortal frames think will be the worst thing to face ever...which in all honesty, I've yet to meet anything more painful than making oneself believe they are completely ALONE.

It's really all rather ironic when I think about it, for I find myself to be a bit of a "social recluse".
I love people, I can be around many, a few, or just one and have the loveliest of times and feel a joy unlike any other.
BUT I crave my solitude.
So it's kind of odd that I was so very young when I attached myself to a husband and popped out 4 children like Twinkie falls on banana peels. (Easily and perhaps too close together).
Being mother to a gaggle of very young children does some mind farking (my "f" word thank you very much) to someone who has always thrived best in her solitude.
And the reason I've done best in my self-prescribed solo state is because much of my formative years were spent around so much pain. I could never really be myself with other people. It wasn't safe. I wasn't safe. I needed to go find an alone place in order to do my growing because it could not happen in the environment I was being raised in.
So, in addition to the children zoo, throw in a toxic marriage to (who in reality is quite a beautiful man that I love dearly) someone that could not connect with me and...UGH.
Just to make a point about the marriage clear: The relationship in and of itself was massively toxic and neither of us seemed to truly know HOW to take the damned steps TOGETHER to purify it. It's honestly as if the Marriage was one living, out-of-control entity and he and I were living somewhere else all together. And not one of the "3" of us could figure out how to make it all fit. He and I really DID know it was the right thing to marry one another. Problem was, neither of us were ready for the commitment we were making...but came that commitment did and it blindly, thrashingly led us down 9 years of hell where neither of us knew how to come up enough from the baggage we married the other to in order to breathe clearly enough to say 'HEY!! WE DON'T KNOW HOW TO BE OUR BEST SELVES! MARRIAGE IS SERIOUS AND WE'VE EACH HAD SERIOUS PROBLEMS WE'RE NOT OVER YET...AND. I. JUST. MARRIED. YOU. TO. MY. BAGGAGE. let's get some help."
It would have saved a lot of unwanted lonely nights on both our ends and saved us tons of mind money in toxic garbage bags from the resentment department if we had made a combined, committed effort to getting that help.
But it is what it is, and honestly, I think it all happened the way it was supposed to.

Coming back to the present year: I ended up facing full force and head on all those scary "I-think-I-might-die-if-I-have-to-face-this" things.
On the opposite end of the spectrum, I've had a conscious fight forward for Health for many years and the ripping away of all these toxic belief systems and habits HAD to happen.

Sooooooo glad THAT has been experienced and I've had adequate time in Morgan Land to heal to the point I have. I still have a lot to learn, a lot to figure out...but I'm definitely FINALLY in a mind space where I can do just that.
I truly am in a place of contentment as I realize more and more that I have ZERO. CLUE. what and who will be in my life by this time next year.
I'm open to everything.
I actively listen to the Spirit, I look to feel and think and act from the most loving space I can and I'm continuously surprised...and so very grateful...for what comes up.
If I left myself to my own devices I'd probably not be writing this right now. I can honestly say if I hadn't already had a lot of the spiritual tools I've collected throughout my life along with a clear and firm understanding of Light and the Love and Guidance from an all knowing Father in Heaven there is NO. WAY. I'd be in the space mentally, spiritually and physically that I am today...and all three of those are better than they've ever been.

I'm sure each important point of the past year will come up eventually. Everything relates and connects somehow with what I WILL experience.

I'm just so very happy to be able to do it from a true, Loving space.

Any questions are may help kick off this whole blogging project I'm very serious about keeping up with this year.

But for now, if I don't click "publish post" now I may just let this opportunity continue to pass me by, and I'm just so very not interested in doing anything of the sort.

Monday, December 6, 2010


I want to discuss for a moment the meaning of superheroes.
I discovered today that it IS ok to want one, to need one. Because in all honesty, I want and need one.
There seems to be a misconception in the world today that women must carry not only all of what others put on us with style and grace, but add to that all that we put upon ourselves.
Sometimes I have style (i try more often than not these days, what can I say, I'm finally admitting to my love of designer brands..even though I'll go with others, but at least I'm allowing myself to want the good stuff and admit to it) and sometimes I carry all of this life stuff well, sometimes better than well...but then, more often than not lately, i seem to crack.
Or perhaps there's been one to many cracks in my armor this year (or rather this lifetime really) that i haven't noticed and at this point, I'm just leaking out and I'll valiantly put a towel up and maybe some putty to a crack and think to myself: "what a fine job I did with that! Now I can be worthy and have acceptance and I know that I did good with my own broken self and no one else needs know the difference. Which might work well, if I weren't so terminally open-booked.
But just when I find that the putty is doing a pretty good job on the currently doctored crack i begin to notice one that i wasn't really paying attention to while my energy was otherwise occupied.
And I'm finding that I can't keep up.
So I want a superhero. I want one with enough spackling paste and duct tape to keep me maintained well through the rest of this lifetime...AND be happy to not only have it on hand but apply it without frustration or annoyance.
So I'm a bit broken. Who isn't? I'm a bit more complicated than I think most of the people I've been surrounded by in my life are interested in, but I'm realizing that that really doesn't matter.
There are parts of myself that I truly love and even better than that, there are times when I'm so filled with peace and am so centered with the source of all Light that my love for all living things including myself seems to be at the pinnacle of what I'm capable of.
But it doesn't you remind me of how good I really am? Even if I need the reminder a lot sometimes? Can you remind me that in this life no one is perfect, but I'm loved perfectly in my perfect imperfections?
It CAN be such a challenge to love another in their flaws, but the reality is, we all need love. It's essential.
So, I think having a clan of willing caped-crusaders on our side that we can count on to be there for us in our "less than" times is not only a good idea, but essential.
I'll dust off my cape if you dust off yours.

a little bit of a brain dump

I wish for you, for myself, for the new-to-you person you pass by today an extra smile. An acknowledgment that because we are here on this Earth together, living this life, we are entitled to peace, joy, safety, and a knowledge that we are so completely loved we are NEVER alone no matter what is thrown into our paths to aide us in believing otherwise. I am tired of people hurting one another, of selfishness, of the idea that we are either above or below another person. I have yet to meet another living thing that isn't interested in love. I've heard of people that act that way, but there is no room for that in my world. If you are interested in hurting me for whatever reason, please know I love you and it is not time for me to let you use me as a punching bag for your pain, but I can love you all the same and at some point, I may have room for your host of unkind, unflattering, angry ideas about me. And I have, in all honesty, a terrible habit lately of guarding myself and being so very quick to armor myself against anything I perceive as a personal attack that I fear I'm beginning to douse myself with Mo-repellent. I am entirely too interested in healing to be anything less than honest. Perhaps I will post this, perhaps I will not, either way it will be for me...and for anyone else for whom it might resonate. Because I have this idea that if we collectively pooled our innermost demons and fears at some point we would think that we're not even worthy to give them a voice. Some find me too emotional, too dramatic, too this too that, all of it with negative undertones. I happen to feel I'm a bit of all of the above as well. But at this point, I accept that it's just some of the parts that make up me and I, for better or for worse, am taking this journey with about as much fear and love as anyone else and I have times of total and complete peace, which I wouldn't have if I didn't acknowledge the opposite and, to be honest, I didn't love. I couldn't trade any of it. To some I'm a basket case, to some I'm a pillar of strength. I see myself as both and am trying to fit an acceptance for all of it into my little breath of space. But as for you, and you and are loved. I spend a great deal of my time thinking about the people who have touched my life in one way or another. None of you undeserving of love, whether I feel you've "got" me or not...which hasn't always been the case.
I've had a great deal of alone time with myself and my thoughts the last while and it's always unsettling because my mind doesn't shut off and it's not always a pleasant thing to have too much open space on my hands (and yes, alone time CAN include an incredibly busy, chore and children filled life) and it doesn't always fare in a pleasant manner for those that live with me. But I have to figure myself out somehow. And I am 1000% committed to loving myself and you in total, accepting, blissful charity.

Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Seriously, where is the Love?

I have family members and good friends and loved acquaintances of a HUGE variety of religions, beliefs, orientations, understandings, etc. etc. I genuinely love, delight in, accept and learn from and love learning about all of you. If you are a kind person and are interested in my friendship you have it. There are many who aren't interested in my friendship that have it anyway. And that doesn't or shouldn't make me an oddity of a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. It makes me really good at it. I find it sad and a bit frustrating that because I love gay people, have a genuine love for a variety of religions, respect those that can't find or don't believe in religion at all, am friends with people that drink and smoke and swear as WELL as people who don't there are members of the religion I belong to that shun me, speak ill of me and aren't interested in getting to know me. I also find it sad that because of the fact that I am LDS, people that I love won't associate with me.
I am TIRED of the anger and the judgements and the ignorance we force on one another. I genuinely believe there is SO much goodness out there and SO much love to be given and had. An endless amount in fact. Not everyone is going to click. We're not all going to be best friends that can't wait to spend good amounts of time with one another and can truly trust and count on for the important things. BUT, we certainly CAN find a genuine appreciation for one another. We can delight in our differences and learn more about ourselves from the people around us no matter what our ideas about how we should or want to live are. If you are someone that is interested in being seen as a someone worth loving, and if you are someone that doesn't know you are because of the amount of pain that you're having to deal with right now, I'm here to tell you that you have love and acceptance, at least from me.

I have been torn down because I don't give the first discussion to everyone I meet. I have been torn down because I don't affiliate myself with any singular political party. I have been torn down simply because of what I wear or don't wear. I've been torn down for being and living what I feel my religion teaches. I've been torn down for appearing not to cater to someone else's idea of how I should live my religion.
For crying out loud, where is your peace if you're doing that?! If you believe in a higher power that leads to the source of all love how does it make sense that you would shun another because of appearance, religion, belief, orientation, race, and so on. Our time would be better spent building one another up and finding the good and the love and at the very minimum respect for our differences instead of wasting precious energy being so angry and bitter. If you're so stinkin angry at the world, at Mormons, at Muslims, Catholics, GLB, Atheists, Latino(a)s, Africans, Native Americans, Islanders, Jews, Caucasians, Democrats, Republicans, Doctors, Farmers, Gas station attendants, Zombies, etc. etc. go get to know one of them. Sit an afternoon with one and get to know their story. You don't HAVE to agree with someone to respect where they're at in their journey.(except maybe the zombie. I'm not interested in your flesh being consumed, that wouldn't serve a purpose I can think of. Sorry if you're a zombie and I've offended or snap judged.) You don't even have to want to be around them or be their friend, but I can promise you you'll feel a whole heck of a lot better understanding them and getting on with your life without all the bitterness and fear.
Just sayin

Saturday, August 28, 2010

Oh ya, I have a blog

So, I totes forgot that I had one of these things. One of the many reasons I didn't start one in the first place and courageously avoided it for years.
I LOVE writing. But am bad at it when I feel pressured to do so. Not that I write badly...I actually am rather fond of the things I write, or what would be the use in jotting it down? Just bad at sittin' me ol' arse down fer a bit and actually executing the danged thang.
So, I suppose we could go on for a bit about my life at present, but I find it all very complex and mystifying as well as simple and simply uninteresting all at the same time and I don't think that I'm going to do that.
I have about 7 followers, and because I don't know how to use the internet very well and usually end up clicking on things because they ask me to do so resulting in catastrophic outcomes (not that I'm THAT stupid, but my weakness HAS led to more than a few "count to tens" by my internetally brilliant husband.) I believe I actually follow myself. So, if one of the six of you still read this...pick a topic and write away I shall on that.