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Sunday, May 23, 2010


What makes you miss something? Lately I'm missing Utah so much it hurts. Sure I miss the mountains and having seasons, but more than anything I miss my life there. All my memories now range from pleasant to magical. I miss the way it smells. It was a place that inspired endless possibilities for me and now I realize all those daydreams were realities in the making right where I was.
I miss my family. I miss my friends. Good, lifelong, don't-have-to-explain-myself-to friends. I miss all the theaters and my agent. I miss acting as much as I miss Utah. I miss the bakeries, the parks, the malls and restaurants that had become favorites/staples. I miss knowing that I always knew where I was going.
And I keep finding my head and heart back there. But I'm not there. I'm in Florida. With no favorite anything really. Nothing that compares to what I had in Utah. I have lovely people here I adore immensely, but my lifelong fear of never being good enough to truly be loved keeps creeping up and blocking my ability to be comfortable for long...but that's another post for another time...likely when I'm not severely in the deficit for that thing you people like to call sleep.
But it DOES bring up a good point. Have I rosied my Utah glasses? If I were to move back there would I be happy and fulfilled? Because as much as I believe it's true that you must be happy with yourself before you can be happy with where you're at...I also believe that a person must feel that at least a good chunk of what makes us happy (aside from knowing who we are) (i.e. opportunities, loved ones, scenery, etc) should be within reach. AND I know myself more and am happier self wise than I've ever been in this second estate. SO in that case I don't think I'd need to rosy anything up if I were Utahn again. do I rosy up Florida?? How do I make myself present in the life I actually have instead of having to constantly shake off the misty cobwebs that float around my consciousness of the life I not so long ago had?

1 comment:

  1. I moved out of Utah for 2 years and believe me, I understand how you feel. I think, at least for me, it was the familiarity of everything. I knew where I was going (physically and emotionally) and didn't have to worry about "getting there too quickly." I feel like Utah is setting a much slower pace than the rest of the world. In once sense, that could be a bad thing but for people like me (and you it seems) that slower pace suits us quite well. I always say I don't want to settle down in Utah but I don't know anything else that fits so perfectly in my life.