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Monday, May 24, 2010

Intuition's mixed signals

Sooo...I used to be pretty spot on when it came to intuition or following an inspired idea (whichever.) And in most cases I think I still am...but with a twist. Inspiration will come, I follow without question and more often than not as of the past year...there has either been more to the initial inspiration than I thought or what I initially interpreted said inspiration to be ended up differently than I thought.
Biggest example of that is Emma. February 2009 I knew another being was to come and join our family. When this inspiration came the feeling of a male presence with the attached name Joseph was so overpowering that I just naturally thought the baby was to be a boy. In fact, I was spot on with my first three and the feeling of a boy with this 4th one was stronger than the others. It was a shock to the system, a freezing shower to the psyche if you will, when the ultrasound tech announced it was a girl. It took about ten minutes for the weirdness to drift into alrightness and I expected that male presence to diminish...but it never did and even now that Emma is born I can still feel him and truly believe he was instrumental in getting Emma here.

AND it was definitely inspired that my family move to Florida a year and a half ago. And Jeff and I have DEFINITELY needed what we've gained experience wise out here and i do believe there are people and things that the Lord wanted us to be in contact with and do...but just as the initial inspiration had me believing we'd be out here for forever, or at least until our childrens' schooling was that really the case? Have we completed what we were sent out here to do? I say that because something is unsettled and a change must be made. A move seems inevitable, but to where? A different home in the area or a different (albeit familiar) state?
One thing is for certain, I have definitely learned that my life is going to throw me for loops and the sooner I get a good handle on going with the flow the easier this journey will be. Good news is...Florida and Emma have definitely added that to my way of being. I feel a great lessening of the need to be in control of everything and therefore, much more in control of my peace.
I also enjoy connecting the pieces and dots of how everything falls into place. I believe now more than ever than nothing happens by chance. It's not just people that are all connected, every event in our lives are connected as well.
I LOVE figuring out even tiny bits of this giant puzzle we all are experiencing together.
Now...if I could only open myself up that much more in order to receive and correctly interpret the answers that are to come our way in the coming weeks...

Sunday, May 23, 2010


What makes you miss something? Lately I'm missing Utah so much it hurts. Sure I miss the mountains and having seasons, but more than anything I miss my life there. All my memories now range from pleasant to magical. I miss the way it smells. It was a place that inspired endless possibilities for me and now I realize all those daydreams were realities in the making right where I was.
I miss my family. I miss my friends. Good, lifelong, don't-have-to-explain-myself-to friends. I miss all the theaters and my agent. I miss acting as much as I miss Utah. I miss the bakeries, the parks, the malls and restaurants that had become favorites/staples. I miss knowing that I always knew where I was going.
And I keep finding my head and heart back there. But I'm not there. I'm in Florida. With no favorite anything really. Nothing that compares to what I had in Utah. I have lovely people here I adore immensely, but my lifelong fear of never being good enough to truly be loved keeps creeping up and blocking my ability to be comfortable for long...but that's another post for another time...likely when I'm not severely in the deficit for that thing you people like to call sleep.
But it DOES bring up a good point. Have I rosied my Utah glasses? If I were to move back there would I be happy and fulfilled? Because as much as I believe it's true that you must be happy with yourself before you can be happy with where you're at...I also believe that a person must feel that at least a good chunk of what makes us happy (aside from knowing who we are) (i.e. opportunities, loved ones, scenery, etc) should be within reach. AND I know myself more and am happier self wise than I've ever been in this second estate. SO in that case I don't think I'd need to rosy anything up if I were Utahn again. do I rosy up Florida?? How do I make myself present in the life I actually have instead of having to constantly shake off the misty cobwebs that float around my consciousness of the life I not so long ago had?

Friday, May 21, 2010

It has begun...

I've been asked by many for quite some time if I had a blog.
What is this "blog" thing of which you speak? I wondered.
At first I thought that I either needed to invest in a lot of tissue in order to avoid the disgusting malady of which I was being accused or that I should probably "get with it" as you kids say and figure out how to start one.
I just figured it out. see...I have a five week old baby that just fell asleep and I need to wake up in a few hours to dress, feed and haul 3 other young children orf to their Montessori school and I'm interested in attempting something that could be compared to rest before all that happens.
But I started.
And no tissue was required.