so, I had written a few pages of this off and on the past few days and now just deleted the whole danged thang.
It was a necessary deletion that I don't even miss.
I will tell you I started the previous attempt by recognizing the fact that I haven't posted anything in just over a year...and for those of you that know me (all 11 of you at this point) you'll understand that my attentions have been...understandably elsewhere.
I wish I had kept up with this the past 12 months. It's been the most crucial year in my existence.
I can't promise what I'll write about when. I'm not good at coming up with ideas then writing about them...I'm more of a "sit down and start the fingers and the thoughts a-flyin' and we'll see what comes up" writer.
I've learned more this past year than I have in my entire existence combined about letting go of pain, conditions, the negative mind...
...and with the pouring out of those life-long habits that I've fought with in order to let go of (and made good progress along the way, let's give credit where credit is due) a rushing in of acceptance (of myself and others) healing, joy, peace, centering, and learning to just finally LOVE what is, along with flat out MIRACLES spread Their balm into my suddenly empty, vulnerable spaces.
It all came to a head in the form of finally having to face my greatest fears ALLATONCE.
Perception is a funny thing. Have you noticed how fear distorts EVERYTHING. ESPECIALLY the people that you're supposed to love the most? I think it's pretty clever of Fear, the Great Collector of Loneliness, to stop at nothing to isolate, confuse, twist and eventually (if it's good enough at it's job) eradicate the people in our lives that would ultimately aide in filling us with our greatest Joy.
AND how what we are afraid of really and truly will become our greatest test to overcome in this existence.
I'm not saying if you're deathly afraid of Twinkie the Evil Eyed Circus Clown that you're going to meet your Earthly end via the horror that IS cheap costume make-up and mylar balloons...I'm talking about what the inner workings of our mortal frames think will be the worst thing to face ever...which in all honesty, I've yet to meet anything more painful than making oneself believe they are completely ALONE.
It's really all rather ironic when I think about it, for I find myself to be a bit of a "social recluse".
I love people, I can be around many, a few, or just one and have the loveliest of times and feel a joy unlike any other.
BUT I crave my solitude.
So it's kind of odd that I was so very young when I attached myself to a husband and popped out 4 children like Twinkie falls on banana peels. (Easily and perhaps too close together).
Being mother to a gaggle of very young children does some mind farking (my "f" word thank you very much) to someone who has always thrived best in her solitude.
And the reason I've done best in my self-prescribed solo state is because much of my formative years were spent around so much pain. I could never really be myself with other people. It wasn't safe. I wasn't safe. I needed to go find an alone place in order to do my growing because it could not happen in the environment I was being raised in.
So, in addition to the children zoo, throw in a toxic marriage to (who in reality is quite a beautiful man that I love dearly) someone that could not connect with me and...UGH.
Just to make a point about the marriage clear: The relationship in and of itself was massively toxic and neither of us seemed to truly know HOW to take the damned steps TOGETHER to purify it. It's honestly as if the Marriage was one living, out-of-control entity and he and I were living somewhere else all together. And not one of the "3" of us could figure out how to make it all fit. He and I really DID know it was the right thing to marry one another. Problem was, neither of us were ready for the commitment we were making...but came that commitment did and it blindly, thrashingly led us down 9 years of hell where neither of us knew how to come up enough from the baggage we married the other to in order to breathe clearly enough to say 'HEY!! WE DON'T KNOW HOW TO BE OUR BEST SELVES! MARRIAGE IS SERIOUS AND WE'VE EACH HAD SERIOUS PROBLEMS WE'RE NOT OVER YET...AND. I. JUST. MARRIED. YOU. TO. MY. BAGGAGE. let's get some help."
It would have saved a lot of unwanted lonely nights on both our ends and saved us tons of mind money in toxic garbage bags from the resentment department if we had made a combined, committed effort to getting that help.
But it is what it is, and honestly, I think it all happened the way it was supposed to.
Coming back to the present year: I ended up facing full force and head on all those scary "I-think-I-might-die-if-I-have-to-face-this" things.
On the opposite end of the spectrum, I've had a conscious fight forward for Health for many years and the ripping away of all these toxic belief systems and habits HAD to happen.
Sooooooo glad THAT has been experienced and I've had adequate time in Morgan Land to heal to the point I have. I still have a lot to learn, a lot to figure out...but I'm definitely FINALLY in a mind space where I can do just that.
I truly am in a place of contentment as I realize more and more that I have ZERO. CLUE. what and who will be in my life by this time next year.
I'm open to everything.
I actively listen to the Spirit, I look to feel and think and act from the most loving space I can and I'm continuously surprised...and so very grateful...for what comes up.
If I left myself to my own devices I'd probably not be writing this right now. I can honestly say if I hadn't already had a lot of the spiritual tools I've collected throughout my life along with a clear and firm understanding of Light and the Love and Guidance from an all knowing Father in Heaven there is NO. WAY. I'd be in the space mentally, spiritually and physically that I am today...and all three of those are better than they've ever been.
I'm sure each important point of the past year will come up eventually. Everything relates and connects somehow with what I WILL experience.
I'm just so very happy to be able to do it from a true, Loving space.
Any questions are welcomed...it may help kick off this whole blogging project I'm very serious about keeping up with this year.
But for now, if I don't click "publish post" now I may just let this opportunity continue to pass me by, and I'm just so very not interested in doing anything of the sort.