Balance...

Hiya again.
It's been almost a year since my last post...and I know, just KNOW that all 14 of you have been thinking: "Gah! Mo! Hurry up! This is worse than Harry Potter anticipation!"

Well...I'm sorry. (<--with so much non-sorriness there's not even room for me to pretend there could be a percentage of truth to that statement).
The REAL truth is...I've been on hold. Everything has been on hold this past year while trauma after trauma kept piling up and, rally I had to wait til I got enough good material to tie things together nicely for you.
You're welcome, rally. (<- I like "rally" better sometimes. But only when I want to be fancy).
It's as though my breath has been waiting for the rest of me to catch up with it. And now? It's almost as though I've rubber-band slammed into myself and I'm still kind of waiting for the wobbling to stop.
BUT...I want to write again.
So, I am.

One of the greatest lessons I've learned thus far is figuring out how to balance myself.
I was sooooOOOOOOOoooooOOOOOOOO*gasp!*OOOOOOoooooOOOOOOOO lopsided to the point of being shmoosed dangerously (and uncomfortably I might add) into the corner of the wall I burrowed into for so long that I still have floral-wallpaper imprinted into my SOUL.
I'm still learning, and thankfully once I started eliminating the toxins from my life...SOMETHING had to fill in those empty gaps...the Law of Opposition stepped in to use it's powers for good (finally).
Poisons turned to healing energies.
Hate, Resentment, Fear...Love, Peace, Courage.
I don't want to eliminate or gloss over anything, but I do have an irritating habit of seeing the best, looking for the best and hoping for the best in not just every situation, but person as well.
I think I just really really super needed a giant dose of being able to do all that Pollyanna-ing with a healthy dose of reality.
Now...I don't take "reality" to be a bad thing, nor do I observe myself to be a naive, Bambi-eyed idiot (don't let my giant eyes fool you, folks).
I used to be told all the time that I need to just live in reality, that I wasn't being realistic.
But...what does that MEAN? I am a firm believer that we create our own realities.
I choose extraordinary (go big or go home suckas...and no, that's not an ironic fat joke. But it would be appreciated if it was).
When I say I needed more balancing reality to my Buttercuppish ways...it's because of the fact that i could and did and still DO just naturally see and feel the best in others, I was forgetting to give them AND myself credit for being human.

I believe we are made of Light. Of God. And since mortality is the opposite of Godhood, one can only assume that one of the greatest gifts this Life experience is here to teach us is how to balance the two.
Spirit combined with Flesh: the opportunity to KNOW...

...And now I'm entering into a phase I never thought I would. I am experiencing ideas and feelings and ways of being that seem completely foreign to my "first novel" self if I were to take a good, hard look (which incidentally? Having giant, Bambi eyes just works in my favor in this regard).
But the deliciously odd thing is...it's not foreign in the least.
I am stepping into a world that only really existed in the nethermost reaching corners of my mind and imagination that I've been stifling for a Time that existed before I was born it seems.
And it's decision time.
I cannot be clear on what things will look like anymore, and that's a bit disconcerting.
I'm letting go of forcing things, of getting bloodied fingers from cliff holding things that either aren't me or aren't mine anyway.
I am still very much me, and I'm self aware enough to know that I am nowhere near settled into a confident walking pattern for myself.
(um...can we all just take a moment for Monty Python? And if you don't know of that to which I'm referring, our friendship may be in jeopardy).

I remember when I started needing to do some intensive work to save my life...I had to change it. The word that kept popping into my space was "balance, balance, balance." Having an addictive personality and not knowing that (even if I did...how does a child of 3 know how to pull themselves out of their comfortably addicting Wonderland if it's the only Loving air they know? How does a 3 year old understand addiction ANYWAY?! Nooo Clem! We Love you! You don't need Baby Mum Mums to satisfy the whole in your soul!)
(and yes, I just named my pretend 3 year old Clem. Shut up.)

Anyway, after I began having babies...at an alarming rate mind you...all I needed to be happy and get through the day...was something to balance me.
Bad relationship where I felt stuck, unwanted, unloved and unappreciated...the tiniest bit of balance let me breathe through the constant cuttings into my Spirit.

Balance also looked/looks/feels different depending on the circumstances as well. I never know what I need to get in alignment til I ask myself. And I'm to the point now where I'm rather adept at figuring out how to get it. And I know I'm doing the right thing when i can step back, observe my remarkable little life (that is rounded with a sleep...thanks Dad ;))and see that the level of Love has an increase.

I am...messy right now.
Which is fine with me. Some of the best things in life are messy. Case in point? REESE'S PEANUT BUTTER S'SMORES. (<- I just had one for the first time last week and...my wardrobe may be in trouble or I might need to have a stern talk with my metabolism, I'm just sayin).
BUT...I'd rather be messy than completely careful anymore. Messy is what is happening when I just allow things to be as they are right now.
My home is most of the time more messy. My hugs and kissies with my kids are more messy (and scrumdiddlyumptious, thank you very much). My schedule, my closet, my mind, my heart...
...and I am just great with that.
Because it's honest.
And I spent far too much time NOT being honest. I still have a...healthy? protective? dose of being able to compartmentalize my feelings and actions because, despite how silly and paint-splattery I am...I'm also very very careful when it comes to certain things.
So, you know...messy/careful = good balance :).

My ability to be hurt isn't the same anymore though. Things I used to care about for unhealthy reasons are not an authentic part of me.
Sometimes...things I used to do or say with conviction come out on auto-pilot and I realize i have a foreign taste in my being.

What does it all mean? I can't say. And I'm not going to analyze any further than...I'm transitioning. I'm breathing. I'm...relaxing into me.

I may get hurt now...because I allow myself to. Does that make sense?
I used to get hurt because I was spending so much damned time in survival mode...hence the wallpaper smudges on my liver.
But...nobody puts Baby in a corner...especially not Baby (anymore).

Baby Got Balance.

An idear...

I am brainwaving a new section to this blog. I want to write from home, and make money from it. And I'm fully convinced I can do just that. It's the getting there that's got my knickers all in a jumble.
I'm thiiiinking about creating a review blog of sorts. A recommendation/review of films that fit into a single mom/divorced woman's world. Such as say...
Films for When Your Ex Is Being An Ass
Films for the Day when 12 diapers were changed, 4 loads of laundry done, and the car stalled.
Films for when New Guy is entering the picture
Films for mommy and the kids
Films for the kids to watch while mommy sneaks off with a book

and the list goes on...
what think you...allll 12 of you lol

From the End, At the Beginning...

Alright...
so, I had written a few pages of this off and on the past few days and now just deleted the whole danged thang.
It was a necessary deletion that I don't even miss.
I will tell you I started the previous attempt by recognizing the fact that I haven't posted anything in just over a year...and for those of you that know me (all 11 of you at this point) you'll understand that my attentions have been...understandably elsewhere.

I wish I had kept up with this the past 12 months. It's been the most crucial year in my existence.
I can't promise what I'll write about when. I'm not good at coming up with ideas then writing about them...I'm more of a "sit down and start the fingers and the thoughts a-flyin' and we'll see what comes up" writer.

I've learned more this past year than I have in my entire existence combined about letting go of pain, conditions, the negative mind...
...and with the pouring out of those life-long habits that I've fought with in order to let go of (and made good progress along the way, let's give credit where credit is due) a rushing in of acceptance (of myself and others) healing, joy, peace, centering, and learning to just finally LOVE what is, along with flat out MIRACLES spread Their balm into my suddenly empty, vulnerable spaces.

It all came to a head in the form of finally having to face my greatest fears ALLATONCE.

Perception is a funny thing. Have you noticed how fear distorts EVERYTHING. ESPECIALLY the people that you're supposed to love the most? I think it's pretty clever of Fear, the Great Collector of Loneliness, to stop at nothing to isolate, confuse, twist and eventually (if it's good enough at it's job) eradicate the people in our lives that would ultimately aide in filling us with our greatest Joy.
AND how what we are afraid of really and truly will become our greatest test to overcome in this existence.
I'm not saying if you're deathly afraid of Twinkie the Evil Eyed Circus Clown that you're going to meet your Earthly end via the horror that IS cheap costume make-up and mylar balloons...I'm talking about what the inner workings of our mortal frames think will be the worst thing to face ever...which in all honesty, I've yet to meet anything more painful than making oneself believe they are completely ALONE.

It's really all rather ironic when I think about it, for I find myself to be a bit of a "social recluse".
I love people, I can be around many, a few, or just one and have the loveliest of times and feel a joy unlike any other.
BUT I crave my solitude.
So it's kind of odd that I was so very young when I attached myself to a husband and popped out 4 children like Twinkie falls on banana peels. (Easily and perhaps too close together).
Being mother to a gaggle of very young children does some mind farking (my "f" word thank you very much) to someone who has always thrived best in her solitude.
And the reason I've done best in my self-prescribed solo state is because much of my formative years were spent around so much pain. I could never really be myself with other people. It wasn't safe. I wasn't safe. I needed to go find an alone place in order to do my growing because it could not happen in the environment I was being raised in.
So, in addition to the children zoo, throw in a toxic marriage to (who in reality is quite a beautiful man that I love dearly) someone that could not connect with me and...UGH.
Just to make a point about the marriage clear: The relationship in and of itself was massively toxic and neither of us seemed to truly know HOW to take the damned steps TOGETHER to purify it. It's honestly as if the Marriage was one living, out-of-control entity and he and I were living somewhere else all together. And not one of the "3" of us could figure out how to make it all fit. He and I really DID know it was the right thing to marry one another. Problem was, neither of us were ready for the commitment we were making...but came that commitment did and it blindly, thrashingly led us down 9 years of hell where neither of us knew how to come up enough from the baggage we married the other to in order to breathe clearly enough to say 'HEY!! WE DON'T KNOW HOW TO BE OUR BEST SELVES! MARRIAGE IS SERIOUS AND WE'VE EACH HAD SERIOUS PROBLEMS WE'RE NOT OVER YET...AND. I. JUST. MARRIED. YOU. TO. MY. BAGGAGE. let's get some help."
It would have saved a lot of unwanted lonely nights on both our ends and saved us tons of mind money in toxic garbage bags from the resentment department if we had made a combined, committed effort to getting that help.
But it is what it is, and honestly, I think it all happened the way it was supposed to.

Coming back to the present year: I ended up facing full force and head on all those scary "I-think-I-might-die-if-I-have-to-face-this" things.
On the opposite end of the spectrum, I've had a conscious fight forward for Health for many years and the ripping away of all these toxic belief systems and habits HAD to happen.

Sooooooo glad THAT has been experienced and I've had adequate time in Morgan Land to heal to the point I have. I still have a lot to learn, a lot to figure out...but I'm definitely FINALLY in a mind space where I can do just that.
I truly am in a place of contentment as I realize more and more that I have ZERO. CLUE. what and who will be in my life by this time next year.
I'm open to everything.
I actively listen to the Spirit, I look to feel and think and act from the most loving space I can and I'm continuously surprised...and so very grateful...for what comes up.
If I left myself to my own devices I'd probably not be writing this right now. I can honestly say if I hadn't already had a lot of the spiritual tools I've collected throughout my life along with a clear and firm understanding of Light and the Love and Guidance from an all knowing Father in Heaven there is NO. WAY. I'd be in the space mentally, spiritually and physically that I am today...and all three of those are better than they've ever been.

I'm sure each important point of the past year will come up eventually. Everything relates and connects somehow with what I WILL experience.

I'm just so very happy to be able to do it from a true, Loving space.

Any questions are welcomed...it may help kick off this whole blogging project I'm very serious about keeping up with this year.

But for now, if I don't click "publish post" now I may just let this opportunity continue to pass me by, and I'm just so very not interested in doing anything of the sort.