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Monday, December 6, 2010


I want to discuss for a moment the meaning of superheroes.
I discovered today that it IS ok to want one, to need one. Because in all honesty, I want and need one.
There seems to be a misconception in the world today that women must carry not only all of what others put on us with style and grace, but add to that all that we put upon ourselves.
Sometimes I have style (i try more often than not these days, what can I say, I'm finally admitting to my love of designer brands..even though I'll go with others, but at least I'm allowing myself to want the good stuff and admit to it) and sometimes I carry all of this life stuff well, sometimes better than well...but then, more often than not lately, i seem to crack.
Or perhaps there's been one to many cracks in my armor this year (or rather this lifetime really) that i haven't noticed and at this point, I'm just leaking out and I'll valiantly put a towel up and maybe some putty to a crack and think to myself: "what a fine job I did with that! Now I can be worthy and have acceptance and I know that I did good with my own broken self and no one else needs know the difference. Which might work well, if I weren't so terminally open-booked.
But just when I find that the putty is doing a pretty good job on the currently doctored crack i begin to notice one that i wasn't really paying attention to while my energy was otherwise occupied.
And I'm finding that I can't keep up.
So I want a superhero. I want one with enough spackling paste and duct tape to keep me maintained well through the rest of this lifetime...AND be happy to not only have it on hand but apply it without frustration or annoyance.
So I'm a bit broken. Who isn't? I'm a bit more complicated than I think most of the people I've been surrounded by in my life are interested in, but I'm realizing that that really doesn't matter.
There are parts of myself that I truly love and even better than that, there are times when I'm so filled with peace and am so centered with the source of all Light that my love for all living things including myself seems to be at the pinnacle of what I'm capable of.
But it doesn't you remind me of how good I really am? Even if I need the reminder a lot sometimes? Can you remind me that in this life no one is perfect, but I'm loved perfectly in my perfect imperfections?
It CAN be such a challenge to love another in their flaws, but the reality is, we all need love. It's essential.
So, I think having a clan of willing caped-crusaders on our side that we can count on to be there for us in our "less than" times is not only a good idea, but essential.
I'll dust off my cape if you dust off yours.

a little bit of a brain dump

I wish for you, for myself, for the new-to-you person you pass by today an extra smile. An acknowledgment that because we are here on this Earth together, living this life, we are entitled to peace, joy, safety, and a knowledge that we are so completely loved we are NEVER alone no matter what is thrown into our paths to aide us in believing otherwise. I am tired of people hurting one another, of selfishness, of the idea that we are either above or below another person. I have yet to meet another living thing that isn't interested in love. I've heard of people that act that way, but there is no room for that in my world. If you are interested in hurting me for whatever reason, please know I love you and it is not time for me to let you use me as a punching bag for your pain, but I can love you all the same and at some point, I may have room for your host of unkind, unflattering, angry ideas about me. And I have, in all honesty, a terrible habit lately of guarding myself and being so very quick to armor myself against anything I perceive as a personal attack that I fear I'm beginning to douse myself with Mo-repellent. I am entirely too interested in healing to be anything less than honest. Perhaps I will post this, perhaps I will not, either way it will be for me...and for anyone else for whom it might resonate. Because I have this idea that if we collectively pooled our innermost demons and fears at some point we would think that we're not even worthy to give them a voice. Some find me too emotional, too dramatic, too this too that, all of it with negative undertones. I happen to feel I'm a bit of all of the above as well. But at this point, I accept that it's just some of the parts that make up me and I, for better or for worse, am taking this journey with about as much fear and love as anyone else and I have times of total and complete peace, which I wouldn't have if I didn't acknowledge the opposite and, to be honest, I didn't love. I couldn't trade any of it. To some I'm a basket case, to some I'm a pillar of strength. I see myself as both and am trying to fit an acceptance for all of it into my little breath of space. But as for you, and you and are loved. I spend a great deal of my time thinking about the people who have touched my life in one way or another. None of you undeserving of love, whether I feel you've "got" me or not...which hasn't always been the case.
I've had a great deal of alone time with myself and my thoughts the last while and it's always unsettling because my mind doesn't shut off and it's not always a pleasant thing to have too much open space on my hands (and yes, alone time CAN include an incredibly busy, chore and children filled life) and it doesn't always fare in a pleasant manner for those that live with me. But I have to figure myself out somehow. And I am 1000% committed to loving myself and you in total, accepting, blissful charity.

Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Seriously, where is the Love?

I have family members and good friends and loved acquaintances of a HUGE variety of religions, beliefs, orientations, understandings, etc. etc. I genuinely love, delight in, accept and learn from and love learning about all of you. If you are a kind person and are interested in my friendship you have it. There are many who aren't interested in my friendship that have it anyway. And that doesn't or shouldn't make me an oddity of a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. It makes me really good at it. I find it sad and a bit frustrating that because I love gay people, have a genuine love for a variety of religions, respect those that can't find or don't believe in religion at all, am friends with people that drink and smoke and swear as WELL as people who don't there are members of the religion I belong to that shun me, speak ill of me and aren't interested in getting to know me. I also find it sad that because of the fact that I am LDS, people that I love won't associate with me.
I am TIRED of the anger and the judgements and the ignorance we force on one another. I genuinely believe there is SO much goodness out there and SO much love to be given and had. An endless amount in fact. Not everyone is going to click. We're not all going to be best friends that can't wait to spend good amounts of time with one another and can truly trust and count on for the important things. BUT, we certainly CAN find a genuine appreciation for one another. We can delight in our differences and learn more about ourselves from the people around us no matter what our ideas about how we should or want to live are. If you are someone that is interested in being seen as a someone worth loving, and if you are someone that doesn't know you are because of the amount of pain that you're having to deal with right now, I'm here to tell you that you have love and acceptance, at least from me.

I have been torn down because I don't give the first discussion to everyone I meet. I have been torn down because I don't affiliate myself with any singular political party. I have been torn down simply because of what I wear or don't wear. I've been torn down for being and living what I feel my religion teaches. I've been torn down for appearing not to cater to someone else's idea of how I should live my religion.
For crying out loud, where is your peace if you're doing that?! If you believe in a higher power that leads to the source of all love how does it make sense that you would shun another because of appearance, religion, belief, orientation, race, and so on. Our time would be better spent building one another up and finding the good and the love and at the very minimum respect for our differences instead of wasting precious energy being so angry and bitter. If you're so stinkin angry at the world, at Mormons, at Muslims, Catholics, GLB, Atheists, Latino(a)s, Africans, Native Americans, Islanders, Jews, Caucasians, Democrats, Republicans, Doctors, Farmers, Gas station attendants, Zombies, etc. etc. go get to know one of them. Sit an afternoon with one and get to know their story. You don't HAVE to agree with someone to respect where they're at in their journey.(except maybe the zombie. I'm not interested in your flesh being consumed, that wouldn't serve a purpose I can think of. Sorry if you're a zombie and I've offended or snap judged.) You don't even have to want to be around them or be their friend, but I can promise you you'll feel a whole heck of a lot better understanding them and getting on with your life without all the bitterness and fear.
Just sayin

Saturday, August 28, 2010

Oh ya, I have a blog

So, I totes forgot that I had one of these things. One of the many reasons I didn't start one in the first place and courageously avoided it for years.
I LOVE writing. But am bad at it when I feel pressured to do so. Not that I write badly...I actually am rather fond of the things I write, or what would be the use in jotting it down? Just bad at sittin' me ol' arse down fer a bit and actually executing the danged thang.
So, I suppose we could go on for a bit about my life at present, but I find it all very complex and mystifying as well as simple and simply uninteresting all at the same time and I don't think that I'm going to do that.
I have about 7 followers, and because I don't know how to use the internet very well and usually end up clicking on things because they ask me to do so resulting in catastrophic outcomes (not that I'm THAT stupid, but my weakness HAS led to more than a few "count to tens" by my internetally brilliant husband.) I believe I actually follow myself. So, if one of the six of you still read this...pick a topic and write away I shall on that.

Monday, May 24, 2010

Intuition's mixed signals

Sooo...I used to be pretty spot on when it came to intuition or following an inspired idea (whichever.) And in most cases I think I still am...but with a twist. Inspiration will come, I follow without question and more often than not as of the past year...there has either been more to the initial inspiration than I thought or what I initially interpreted said inspiration to be ended up differently than I thought.
Biggest example of that is Emma. February 2009 I knew another being was to come and join our family. When this inspiration came the feeling of a male presence with the attached name Joseph was so overpowering that I just naturally thought the baby was to be a boy. In fact, I was spot on with my first three and the feeling of a boy with this 4th one was stronger than the others. It was a shock to the system, a freezing shower to the psyche if you will, when the ultrasound tech announced it was a girl. It took about ten minutes for the weirdness to drift into alrightness and I expected that male presence to diminish...but it never did and even now that Emma is born I can still feel him and truly believe he was instrumental in getting Emma here.

AND it was definitely inspired that my family move to Florida a year and a half ago. And Jeff and I have DEFINITELY needed what we've gained experience wise out here and i do believe there are people and things that the Lord wanted us to be in contact with and do...but just as the initial inspiration had me believing we'd be out here for forever, or at least until our childrens' schooling was that really the case? Have we completed what we were sent out here to do? I say that because something is unsettled and a change must be made. A move seems inevitable, but to where? A different home in the area or a different (albeit familiar) state?
One thing is for certain, I have definitely learned that my life is going to throw me for loops and the sooner I get a good handle on going with the flow the easier this journey will be. Good news is...Florida and Emma have definitely added that to my way of being. I feel a great lessening of the need to be in control of everything and therefore, much more in control of my peace.
I also enjoy connecting the pieces and dots of how everything falls into place. I believe now more than ever than nothing happens by chance. It's not just people that are all connected, every event in our lives are connected as well.
I LOVE figuring out even tiny bits of this giant puzzle we all are experiencing together.
Now...if I could only open myself up that much more in order to receive and correctly interpret the answers that are to come our way in the coming weeks...

Sunday, May 23, 2010


What makes you miss something? Lately I'm missing Utah so much it hurts. Sure I miss the mountains and having seasons, but more than anything I miss my life there. All my memories now range from pleasant to magical. I miss the way it smells. It was a place that inspired endless possibilities for me and now I realize all those daydreams were realities in the making right where I was.
I miss my family. I miss my friends. Good, lifelong, don't-have-to-explain-myself-to friends. I miss all the theaters and my agent. I miss acting as much as I miss Utah. I miss the bakeries, the parks, the malls and restaurants that had become favorites/staples. I miss knowing that I always knew where I was going.
And I keep finding my head and heart back there. But I'm not there. I'm in Florida. With no favorite anything really. Nothing that compares to what I had in Utah. I have lovely people here I adore immensely, but my lifelong fear of never being good enough to truly be loved keeps creeping up and blocking my ability to be comfortable for long...but that's another post for another time...likely when I'm not severely in the deficit for that thing you people like to call sleep.
But it DOES bring up a good point. Have I rosied my Utah glasses? If I were to move back there would I be happy and fulfilled? Because as much as I believe it's true that you must be happy with yourself before you can be happy with where you're at...I also believe that a person must feel that at least a good chunk of what makes us happy (aside from knowing who we are) (i.e. opportunities, loved ones, scenery, etc) should be within reach. AND I know myself more and am happier self wise than I've ever been in this second estate. SO in that case I don't think I'd need to rosy anything up if I were Utahn again. do I rosy up Florida?? How do I make myself present in the life I actually have instead of having to constantly shake off the misty cobwebs that float around my consciousness of the life I not so long ago had?

Friday, May 21, 2010

It has begun...

I've been asked by many for quite some time if I had a blog.
What is this "blog" thing of which you speak? I wondered.
At first I thought that I either needed to invest in a lot of tissue in order to avoid the disgusting malady of which I was being accused or that I should probably "get with it" as you kids say and figure out how to start one.
I just figured it out. see...I have a five week old baby that just fell asleep and I need to wake up in a few hours to dress, feed and haul 3 other young children orf to their Montessori school and I'm interested in attempting something that could be compared to rest before all that happens.
But I started.
And no tissue was required.